Dan 'Mother Fucking' Blonk (aka Blink)
Spaniard
Danblonk Will drive up to a tornado in his Kia Spectra, but panic and cry if there's a snowflake on the ground. He spends his days on TMB and keeping up with the latest news on high school football. He greats everyone with "boomer sooner" and dies a little if he ever hears the words roll or tide.
Danblonk works as an entry level chair maker, and could have been given several raises, but has always been too scared to ask. He makes chairs for local church picnics. It's a niche market.
Danblonk is single now, but was serviously dating Mary Lou for several
years until he found out that she was really a broom disguised as a
horse disguised as mary lou. he now goes on tindr and insults all the
girls with the lowest self esteem. he also developed a bad drinking
habit, and wonders what the alcohol percentage is in rubbing alcohol
since it's cheaper.
Danblonk has a sweet 25 acre property where he has a sick hunting
range and loves hunting deer and chupacabras. He one day would like
to be a fireman, but he doesn't like to sweat a lot so he may just stay
in his chair making job.
Buck Nasty
Dan "Motherfucking" Blonk...what more can be said.
Dan Blonk is a man that's respected in the community and, one not to be trifled with. Sam Elliot's acting role in Roadhouse is inspired by a chance encounter with Dan Blonk. Does he wear his sunglasses at night (you bet your ass).
About 6 years ago there was an incident at a charity even where he
showed up wearing nothing but a Marcus Dupree jersey. He rocks a high
and tight haircut, always haswrap around Oakleys and, a determined look
on his face.
During the day Dan is a fire fighter. At night he uses his fire suit to make
a few extra bucks dancing in retirement communities.
When Dan identifies a girl he likes his strategy is to burn her house down
and, rescue said woman carrying her proudly in his arms.
He only attempts to rescue the woman. Children and pets are always
"someone else's problem."
Dan's living will only states that he would like to be buried at sea so
mermaids can devour his soul.
DV
Dan Motherfucking Blonk
He once raped a unicorn which later gave birth to Chuck Norris.
When he isn't at the firehouse or old folks home he likes watching chick flicks
and he cries copiously on each.
These days he's had every mythical being ever dreamed up in bed so he likes
to spend his time in the mansion with mustachioed men and carnival freaks.
He also got out of an arson rap brought on by a chick he liked by simply
removing his Oakleys in court and looking at the judge.
Micky Knox
Dan Blonk, a local radio personality broadcasting in Guymon Oklahoma.
Dan is the star and producer of his long running talkback show,
Dan Blonk Tonight. Claiming an audience of 6922 listeners, Dan starts his
show every night with the catch phrase, 'Hello World, this is Dan Blonk'.
Dans greatest achievement, in 12 years, was the investigation into the
affects of wind farms on cattlemen and their families, resulting in state law
being introduced for a minimum distance between wind turbines and residential
dwellings.
Dan was born and raised on a cattle ranch that straddles the boarders of Oklahoma and Colorado, his father wanted him to take over the ranch, but Dan always had bigger ambitions, leaving the ranch at the tender age of 17 to pursue his dreams in the big smoke of Guymon. Although reconciled, the relationship between Dan and his father is still strained to this day.
Dans full frontal assault on a country music career was energised when he met,
who he says was, the best harmony man this side of Tornado alley,
Brody Blankenshire. The two took their tribute show, 'The Conway Twitty Experience'
on the road and dominated the truck stop circuit in the greater Guymon area for
12 months before, Brody, was tragically killed when there touring van was struck
by a freak tornado. Dan never got over this, his show on a Saturday night is always
bookend with, 'This ones for you, Blanky, fly high my brother, fly high' and the
Conway Twitty classic 'I see the want in your eyes.
Two years fighting depression, burying his mind into song writing resulted in his one and only studio album being recorded, The Best of Blonk, featuring the cult classics, 'Single again', 'Drop kick me Jesus (through the goalposts of life) and 'Shes acting single (I'm drinking Doubles)'. The single 'She's acting single (I'm drinking doubles' held the number one spot on Guymon radio for a staggering 47 weeks, unfortunately it was widely rejected outside of the district. After countless appearances on Guyman FM, to promote the album, Dan was offered his own show by the station manager, who insists to this day, Dan was born to broadcast, the rest is history.
Dan has had many relationships over the years, mostly short term, he is considered quite the ladies man in Guyman and surrounding districts. He claims he is still searching for his sole mate and will, 'rope 'er down soon'.
Mrs Blonk is out there somewhere.
Matty
Dan "Pussy Destroyer" Blonk.
Affectionately referred to as "Dan Blonk" by his closest friends, Dan Blonk's life
began with a bit of controversy. Born in 1984 to Jim Blonk and his lovely wife
Ruth Blonk, Dan Blonk's penis stiffened during circumscision and punched the
nurse directly in the forehead. The nurse died quietly in the ICU four days later
and Dan Blonk is "whole" in the eyes of The Lord to this very day.
Dan Blonk was transferred to a boy's conservatory after impregnating all the
female teachers in his high school.
Trump
Dan Blonk is the only person we know that can sit in a bath of water, fart and bite the
air-bubbles broken before they surface. And the Lord said"Let there be light"
and Dan Blonk said: "Say please you fucking cunt"
SexualChocolate
Blonk has a minimum of 3 tattoos. He at one point in his life strongly debated whether
to get a barbwire tattoo or a string of Japanese symbols. He went barbwire with some
type of homage to Oklahoma.
He enjoyed Tupac more than Biggy and to this day knows all of the lyrics to any of
Ja Rule's "hit songs".
He gets a chubby every time the Jaws of Life are being used and has successfully had
intercourse with a lady friend while incorporating a ladder into the act.
He drives a '10 Chevy Silverado as he believes only pussies drive Ford.
Blonk has two children with two different women. One of which was his high school
sweetheart but that relationship ended as she fell in love with a an Oklahoma State
alum who "Opened her eyes to the real love that only a metrosexual could provide."
Her new beau is referred to as "Banana Fingers" from Blonk's friends due to his enormous
hands which we assume carries over to his genitals.
Dan Blonk has been arrested twice in his life. Once for DWI and the other for peeing in public.
Blonk's hobbies include horseback riding, hunting, beer, black women, and smelling
his fingers after each wipe of poop from his bum.
DanBlonk
My response to Know your Blonk:
Spanny-
I've seen/experienced several tornadoes, they're scary as shit at night.
Boomer Sooner is a classic challenge/response saying, it takes two to
make it go right. Carpentry is not my thing, I'm very good at sanding though.
I do live on several acres, and I am a firefighter.
Buck-
I do hold an elected position, definitely not a pillar of the community.
Marcus Dupree was the best that never was, and I do not own a Dupree jersey.
In college I had more than one incident that I found myself in a full Winnie the Poo situation. (shirt no pants) I've never danced professionally, and never used my firefighting gear in a sexual situation.
DV- I've cried watching movies more than
I care to admit. Fuck you. I do have a couple pairs of Oakleys, but neither are the wrap around variety. I've never been to court, I have a perfect driving record.
Micky-
I've never hosted a radio program, I have been a "special" guest speaker at the local radio station during Fire Prevention Week. My father and I have a pretty good relationship, he comes up with shit for me to do and I do it. Works out great for him, I wouldn't dare complain.
Haha. As for my country music career, I can't sing and I can only wish I had penned the lyrics to Drop Kick me Jesus.
Matty- I don't even know how to reply to that. I've never killed anyone with my penis. lmao
Captain Chocolate- I have 2 tattoos, neither of them are barbed wire or Japanese words. I do prefer Tupac over Biggy, JaRUle sucks. I do love using the Jaws of Life, but I absolutely hate the situations that I have to use them in. Wear your fucking seatbelts people. I drive a GMC pickup, I agree that Fords are for losers.
Thank you guys for doing this for me, the rest of you can eat a bag of dicks.
