MATTY
Buck_Nasty
Matty,
Our fearless leader and father of Skidmark United is what we know him as now.
However, Matty came from humble beginnings.
Matty's life started one night at a Waffle House in Harrisburg Pennsylvania. Wildcat had been on a bender when he started making eyes at this lovely maiden serving him a Western Omelette. There was something in the air and, an
immediate connection formed between the two. Wildcat mounted her in a booth otherwise, known as
table 22. They parted ways never too see each other until....18 months later and, they crossed
paths at a Save A Lot grocery store. Matty's mother Matilda was showing some serious signs of
what would be her 5th trimester with Matty. She informed Wildcat that it was his child. Six months later and, two years to the day their paths crossed Wildcat & Matilda welcomed their 37 inch & 242 pound son into the world.
Matty, came out of the womb sporting a high and tight haircut, wrap around Oakleys, a mustache that would make Burt Reynolds blush and, a determined look on his face.
Matty, would be a quick study in school and, an above average athlete. He once posted a triple double in a high school football game. Still the only time such an accomplishment has been recorded in that sport. In later years Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable would be loosely based off Matty. Given that despite being a pretty
good athlete Matty was made for the land not water.
Matty would attend the University of Florida where he became obsessed with all things jorts related. He studied business management and, was a 5 time Beer Olympics champion at the ATO fraternity. It was during this time period where he picked up his obsession with car napping.
While attending school he deflowered a young lady who would become
Erin Andrews. She wasn't particularly smart but, Matty convinced her that if she
swallowed it couldn't hurt her with geometry. She did and, passed that course
with a C.
During his senior year he met a young woman who would become his wife.
They challenged each other and loved each other like funyons.
A year into their marriage and, Matty popped in what is now known as the
infamous AOL Disc. Upon his first 3 of a 60 hour membership he formed
Skidmark United.
He was a one man wrecking ball and,
the rest is history.
We owe it to you fearless leader.
blink
Matthew Josephus Love, second cousin to Kevin Love of the Cavs, has heart.
In the adolescent years after his birth he single handedly stopped a robbery at
the local Taco Bell, saved several kittens, and punched a domestic terrorist in the face.
Matty has refused to take any credit/fame for his actions because he was born with a
large porn penis, he figures he’s been rewarded enough.
In college, he was president of the student union as well as the mascot for the
University of Miami. Yes, Matty was Sebastian the Ibis. Yes, he will still fight you if you
mistakenly refer to Sebastian as a duck.
These days Matty has taken up a few interesting hobbies, he’s particularly proud of
his YouTube channel where he dons a gillie suit, sits in a large pot, and scares passing
tourist around the country.
Sorry, iPhone users, here is a link of his work.
Spaniard Matty Matty bo Batty
banana fana fo fatty
fe fi mo Matty
TUSONE!
Matty aspires,
to be exactly like Bruce Campbell as Sam Axe from Burn Notice. He wears Hawaiian shirts, linen pants, socks and sandals, and burns very easily in the sun. Matty is a gentle creature with a slightly cracking voice and bashful mannerisms. But he is lethal with a keyboard! He once had a stuttering fit while trying to yell at an old lady that cut him in line at a Publix. His head almost blew off when she started counting pennies to pay for her 11 items in a 10 items or fewer lane. He had so much to say, he knew how to deliver it, but he couldn't. But he DID call someone a hemorrhaging period sack online. It make him feel better and he went home with a bottle of Jim Beam. Matty did work for a propane and propane accessories store, but quit after he found a whole new love for induction cooking. Now he works at a comic book store where he gets to instruct people
that after you turn the page, you wash your hands. Turn the page, wash
your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. He loves it there! Where
else do you get to talk in intricate detail about sex between wonder woman
and xena warrior princess? He hates monday though. I think it's because the
store is closed on mondays and he has nothing to do.
Finally, little known fact.... Matty created Skidmark_United after chatting
with a few Allied takers about their constant shart experiences.
(Allied is an FDA approved pill for weight lose. If you happen to eat some
fatty foods, the pill makes them somehow really lubricated, and they fly
through your intestines like cool runnings. for real)
Once he felt a bond between his new friends, He thought of Skidmark_United.
The rest is history.
Micky Knox
Matias Enosut Detinukramdiks (Matty)
Father; Ronald 'The Dancing Bear' Detinukramdiks, Standing at 6'9” and weighing in at 475 pounds, was easily the biggest Running Back in NFL history. In his short 3 season carrier he amassed a staggering 12,354 yards with a total of 175 touch downs. At the peak of his powers, Ron gave the game away in 1965 to research his family heritage, which took him to Yukagir, Siberia, the birthplace of his father. While at the local genealogy library he met a young American back packer and they found a connection.
Mother; Sapat "Dancing Bear' Ynitia, direct descendant of Chief Marin of the Californian Miwok Indians. A shy young lady, Sapat was instantly empowered with courage at the sight of this giant of a man and made the first move, introducing herself, Hi, I’m Sapat, it means 'Dancing Bear'. You could have blown that giant man down with a feather. Suffice to say the love was instantaneous and Matty was conceived in the genealogy section of the Yukagir State Library that very day.
The two soul mates decided on a humble home birth and chose the TY Warner Suite, at the Four Seasons Hotel, in the small town of New York. Matty was delivered into his fathers giant hands without a sound, just a confident smile on his face. Ron took his son and climbed to the rooftop holding him up for the world to see. Matty spoke his first word only 3 minutes after his birth. As his father held him aloft for the towns folk to see, Matty said 'GO'. And then promptly took a vow of silence which would last for 15 years.
During his early school life Matty excelled in every subject, including winning the
middle school debating championship, despite his vow of silence. And while he
possessed his fathers gigantic bone structure he won the national gymnastics
championship, in both the uneven bars and rhythmic floor exercisers, specialising
in the ribbon. At 15 he was selected to join the USA Olympic team and it was at this
time that his vow of silence was broken when he announced his retirement from
gymnastic to pursue a career in professional figure skating.
After taking 7 days to learn how to skate, Matty, was offered the lead role in the Disney stadium spectacular, Fantasia on Ice. Critics had said 'The dancing Hippos never looked so graceful' and audiences would leave in tears every night at the shear majesty of his performance. Later, Will Feral would model his character Chaz Michael Michaels on Matty's performances, which lead him to be Mr Ferals stunt double in
the movie 'Blades of Glory'. However Matty took offence to the comical nature of
the movie and refused all recognition for the movies successes. In the only quote
from the fallout, Matty, had said, 'Figure Skating is no laughing matter' and
stormed out of the press conference.
It was around this time when Matty once again shunned the spoken word and
re committed to his vow. He gave up his Skating career and using his star pulling
power entered the world of ex professional sports peoples talk circuit.
Packing out venues nation wide, Matty, would walk on the stage and say nothing.
His unique style of saying nothing at all, had critics calling it, 'A breath of fresh air' and the future of the public speaking.
Having so much to say and no interest in the spoken work, Matty, had found the internet to be a world build just for him. One night while in his dressing room in nothing but his favourite lucky white underpants, he stumbled upon a text based game called The Mafia Boss. He was instantly exited at the prospects it could offer. After logging on using the name, Matty, for obvious reasons, he was at a Dilemma as to what to call his Mafia family and who would be his numbers 2 man. Then like a sign from above, he looked up from his screen and in the dressing room mirror saw a reflection of his name, **skidmarkuniteD tusonE yttaM**, it was decided. Skidmark_United was the family and Tusone would be his consigliere.
Like an immaculate conception, at the same moment, driven by who knows what, a man on the other side of the country signed on and chose the name, Tusone. (Matty's middle name spelt backwards) The two never spoke about that miracle they just excepted it.
The rest is history...
Snake
Good ole matty, born in central Pennsylvania in what could only be labled a miracle. Its rumored that just three days after birth baby matty walked out of the hospital with his parents.
The continued success thru out high school, some say was do in part for his
love of the art of war, the book, and the movie that has nothing to do with it.
(As we all know all it takes is a wesley snipes movie to get matty up) Modeling
his life after the art of wars tactics, and the round house he learned from
passenger 57, matty soon faced adversity as he would injure his knee in
what was called the great wars for new york.
His wife asked him many times to clean up the babies toys.
But the mafia boss called and so did a young micky knox, ragging hard on
in one hand, wiskey in the other. But so did the baby and as matty ran to
hush the childs tears a baby rattle took our young general out if the game,
now matty works his day to day 9-5 wanting, yearning, to know what if and
why did, he ask blink about the tri force.
SexualChocolate
Mark Mathew Burnside Jr was born on September 28th, 1983. He set the newborn weight record at 13 lbs, 14 oz. His mother Betty went through labor drug free as she felt she needed to experience every time inch of the Burnside.
As a young child Matty (as he became to be known) gravitated towards large men wrestling in their underwear. While the neighborhood children were pretending to be Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior; Matty lives himself some Andre the Giant, Sid Vicious, and Earthquake. Teaming up with
his twin cousins, Earl and Merl, they created an unbeatable neighborhood team
of Andre and the Bushwackers. They still hold the local Tacoma, Washington
record of 168-0.
Matty accelerated at school at an early age. Following the choke slams of his
grade teacher due to a questionable punishment of indoor recess, Matty's
teachers moving forward never questioned his brilliance. During a 7th grade
flag football game, Matty broke his classmate's hip when he tugged on his flag
and ultimately pulled him 4 inches beneath the sod. From that point on,
Mc Burnside vowed a life of peace.
He found his niche in high school with band and choir. With the voice of an
awkwardly large, angry, drunk angel he was able to heal the city of Tacoma
following the Trolly Massacre of 2000.
Realizing his gift to bring joy he soon set his eyes on a larger challenge.
In 2001, The Burn set his eyes on college. He chose to attend the most corrupt
university in the history of the USA. He chose the Miami Hurricanes. Upon his arrival, Larry Coker immediately sought Mark Jr out for enlightenment. Following their meeting, The U offered Matty a full ride athletic scholarship for the purpose of high fiving the football team as they entered the field. With Matty's B healing powers, the Hurricanes went on to win the college football championship that year.
To this day, Ken Dorsey credits Matty for everything.
Following their championship, Miami awarded Matt with a 4 year degree in "Business Knowledge" for his 12 months of healing. While celebrating his graduation at a Miami night club with Bubba Sparxxx, Matty fell in love
with the bartender (Sarah Bananalams). It was after meeting
Miss Bananalams that Matty realized he didn't want to be the
next Jesus Christ. Instead, he chose a life or normalcy and
married Sarah 3 years later. Matty went into the insurance
business where he has a keen sense for those who will die
far too early in life. He carries on with this sharade during
the day but don't be surprised to find him role playing at night
with Sarah as he sports an Andre the Giant singlet with she's
looking sexy in the Legion of Doom shoulder pads.
SexualChocolate
I'm sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall charging my
phone so that I could attempt to share Matty's story (again).
Commitment.
So. "Know your Matty" Great submissions. I loved it.
1. I WAS born in Kentucky. My dad is a legend.
2. I do call West/Central Pennsylvania "home" as my entire family is from there.
3. I wear jorts on a semi regular basis.
4. I have never taken multi year vows of silence...that one had me blinking away tears due to its beauty.
5. I was ACTUALLY a premature baby. I still came out walking and with a full beard though.
6. Tacoma? Really? I've added that to my list of places to visit.
7. I would never betray my good nature and sense of self worth by attending U of Miami.
Thank you all for your exceptional submissions. I really enjoyed them
