MickyKnox aka Knoxie
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MickyKnox.
Stop reading this and take a moment to reflect on your paltry existence as
compared to him.
I’ll wait…
That’s the place, that’s where your head needs to be. Now that you’re feeling adequately inferior, let me tell you how the man known as Mr. Knox came to be, beat the odds stacked against him, and rose to the heights he now
enjoys.
MickyKnox was born the only child born to Michael and Matilda Knox. Rumor is
that he was conceived sometime around the Tet Offensive in Hanoi, Vietnam.
The late Michael Knox was an officer in the now disbanded Wild Dingos, a
clandestine black ops squadron attached to the Australian 1st Army.
Not much is known about Micky’s mother Matilda, other than after a year of
distinguished service, she was dishonorably discharged from her duties as
an Army nurse after she became noticeably pregnant. Her story ends abruptly
once she returned to Australia, many believe she went on a walkabout of sorts
…burdened with child, she had no money, honor, or shoes. Her path led her deep
into the interior wastelands of a country that had turned its back on her.
In an effort to keep this living eulogy within the monetary confines of website storage limits, Micky’s childhood was typical of any soul born in the Outback. (Think “Jungle Book” set in a MadMax environment) He survived daily by wrestling large crocodiles for a drink of murky poop water from a nearby pond, feeding his mother and himself by hunting scorpions and the occasional rabbit, and protecting their mud brick home from Aboriginal raiders with a staff he fashioned from a eucalyptus branch. Things were going as well as possible, but Micky wanted something more…he had an itch he couldn’t scratch.
*SexualChocolate
I also am a believer that Knox is missing an appendage of some sort.
You can drink cans of rum as often as he does while living is Aus and
not lose a body part.
Fast forward five years; Micky is distraught, angry, and heartbroken. He’s just lost his mother to a nasty case of food poisoning. How was he to know that platypus are chock full of bacteria, disease, and toxins known to melt colons? The poor woman literally pooped herself to death, it’s an emotional scar Micky still carries with him to this day.
Many credit this tragedy as the source of his passion, quite possibly the genesis of his path to the top of the interpretive dance mountain. That’s right, interpretive dance. Haha.
After the funeral Micky started his trek towards coastal Australia, the journey was
long and difficult with the constant threat of violent motorcycle gangs and rabid
kangaroos. He met each challenge with determination and grit, losing a couple of
toes along the way. Micky triumphantly made it to civilization where he met a
traveling performer, a French born ex-pat chasing her dreams of dancing for the
Aussie elite. She saw potential in Micky, a diamond in the rough. Her name was
Mallory. She taught him the art of dance. He soaked up the lessons, fought through
the blisters, and knew that he had found his calling.
Sidenote: The film Natural Born Killers is nothing more than an Americanized and loosely based look into a small portion of Micky & Mallory’s playful shenanigans.
Today Micky is happy, healthy, and wealthy from a series of commercials
ran by Vegemite during the early 90’s, these commercials feature Micky
dancing in various locations around Australia. One, in particular, of Micky
dancing on the steps of the Capital Building in Canberra is credited with
the world famous total gun ban that swept across Australia.
Micky’s response to his well-memed fame?
“It’s simple, sometimes a man has to salsa. My salsa just happened to
change the landscape of Aussie history.”
SexualChocolate
I envision Knox being the person that the
Dos Equis commercials are based on.
Buck_Nasty
Micky Knox The Human Tripod
Knox was the first man to be cloned from organic matter.
The organic matter consisted of Wade Boggs' Liver, Chuck Norris' Beard and,
The Soul of James Brown. So where do you place this lethal combination of a
human being? Obviously in the most rugged environment on Earth. Where they
have the most venomous of reptile, spider, jellyfish, octopus and, coral. Not to
mention those lizards known as Saltys. Australia.
He was raised in an aborigine village deep in the outback. Singing tribal songs
and wrestling kangaroos as is tradition. Unlike the rest of the tribe he was raised
with it was obvious he was much more pale than his counterparts. Knox does not
get sunburnt. The sun knows its place.
When he was (13) he set off out on his own. He received a formal education in
Melbourne. Where he was a quick study. He also became interested in racing go
karts. He became friend with a bloke named Mark Weber. Although, Weber was
a better racer than Knox the two had a kindred competitive spirit. Weber credited
his success in Formula 1 to their rivalry as teens.
While in Melbourne Knox also become fond of music. While watching a local
band at a pub one night he thought he could give them some pointers.
He wrote down on a napkin what would be later known as "Beds Are Burning" &
"The Dead Heart" by Midnight Oil. Although, he is not credited on their albums this
doesn't bother Knox.
Leaving Melbourne behind several months later. Knox met a young woman. Her name was Aberdine. She
caught a glimpse of him in his Sunday Speedo and, could not resist. Knox is the only man that can wear a speedo to any function or event and, be considered overdressed. It was love it at first sight. The two would travel the country together for several years before finally settling down. They had two sons together. Knox being a gentlemen actually gave birth to them both in under 9 total minutes. He did not want to burden his wife.
Knox has never held an elected office. Although, his opinion matters and, it's known you want him on your side. Throughout the country Australian Rules Football is actually known as a Leisurely Game With Knox.
Knox is the muscle behind an elderly community. His first day on the
job he found the biggest senior citizen and, put him in a figure four leg
lock making the man tap and, also snapping his pelvis. The message
was sent and, the elderly knew who was running the show. Under his
watch and leadership their life expectancy hasn't changed. Although,
their lives certainly have meaning now.
This paragraph was omitted by Micky Knox.
Being from the future he can do whatever he wants.
Knox and Aberdine are in the market for a new couch as well. They went
to the local furniture store and tested 18 couches. They liked several but,
after having sex 18 times were in no mood to move furniture.
There are people that are two steps ahead of some of us. Micky Knox is 14 hours ahead of them.
